Sameness....differentness. I have such an unusual fascination with being different. I want to feel like I am truly unique. But, I still have a considerable desire for other people's approval. I want others to connect with me in some way and say: "Yeah, him and I are the same in that way." That seems to be what makes comedy work. Somebody says something, and we say: "Yes, that is true! I see it the same way!". And we bond to them. We connect with them.

This (I'm learning) is why I always used humor as a defense mechanism in school growing up. Some kid would call me a name, or make fun of my clothes, somehow to point out how I was "different", and I would look for someway to get attention from others so that I could feel "the same" again.

This is a wonderful paradox of life. We are all the same and all different. I want to feel both at different times in life. I suspect that we are more the same than different. Maybe great leaders are people who focus on our "oneness". I like the idea of living in a big tent.

I love this movie of Evi from when she was 6 months old.

Update time! I just weighed myself and I am 209.4lbs. I have been here for over a month now. Welcome back Zac! Now where to go next?!?!?!?

I love the Phoenix Suns. I get so much joy from watching them win. Right now, I'm on a great emotional high. Life is interesting. I'm no longer a professional pastor. I'm actually a heathen without a church. My wife and my son are my church. We haven't drank blood yet, but we have a goat in the back in case we get hard up for some cult like behavior.

I'm actually a mortgage loan officer right now. I'm really enjoying it so far, even though I haven't made a penny in the last 10 weeks. Helping people in making huge financial decisions is very satisfying. I love being able to serve people from a position where many others have been taken advantage of.

Wish that I had more to say. Wish that my will power was stronger than my flesh. 235lbs and counting. I long for the days of 210lbs. I never thought that I would say that.

z

Money, money, money by the pound. That's from Pete's Dragon. I may be the only person on the planet who has seen that movie. Green cartoon dragon, live-action everything else. Good times. We're closing on our first house next week. I'm not sure how we are going to pay for it, but that's half the fun of trusting in God for your needs. Should we trust God for our wants too? I'm not sure.

I want to love God again. I want to appreciate His goodness again. I want to quit dwelling on my own frustrations and pains for a while. I need a holiday from my sinful nature.

Why is inspiration so fleeting? Why can't I stay passionate for more than a moment? Is it just self-discipline? Is it just God's happenstance choices? How do I become more like Jesus? My heart is so black at times. At best, it is grey. Yet, at the same time that I know this, I see others who are even more evil. Arab terrorist make me whince when I ponder God's purpose behind their creation. Then I take some comfort when I think that maybe God did not design their lives that way. But then how is my life designed? Is it designed at all? Is it my responsibility to impact the world for goodness and truth? Or is it His to do through me? Who is to blame when I fail? Who is to be praised if I succeed? Can it go both ways? Can we thank God for the beautiful Arizona sunshine and excuse Him for terrible earthquakes, tsunamis, and hurricanes at the same time? Can we pray and hope for God to change our circumstances, and just assume that "it wasn't in His will" when nothing changes? What do our prayers do? What does our own self-discipline do? Does Satan rejoice at the fervent prayers of Muslims? Or Hindus, Buddhists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholics, Mormons, Presbyterians, etc.? How can God only be in my limited understanding of an anthology of (generally) a single people group? Can't God save those who have never heard of the carpenter's Son? Is hell a punishment, or more of an absence of reward? Well, I must go now. I have to rest up so that I can prepare to teach others, that which confuses the hell out of me.

It's been quite a while since I've posted. I guess I haven't had much to say lately. I've been conversing with some Mormon missionaries lately. Our conversations have been great for me to try to figure out exactly what I do believe. There is a part of me that really longs for the structure and answers that the Mormons have. I still believe that their desire to become gods is the quintessential sin, but I have more compassion for their beliefs now. Anyways, it has been a good thing.

Kiefer is growing like a weed. He's hardly even 11 weeks old, and he has already doubled his body weight. It looks like my wife slept with Andre the Giant about 9 months ago. I can't wait for him to start talking. I just want to know what he is thinking about.

I wish that I knew how to play the guitar better. I'm going to go and mess around now.

Thanks for the comments, Tim. I saw you the other day when I went swimming in my old KCC yearbooks. It was a good experience. I wonder why I always have beer goggles on when I look to the past. Its funny. I even long for crappy old Michigan sometimes, even though I hated most of it while I was there. I am lying to myself about how great the past was? Or am I just overly critical of the present? I think that I know the answer.

I saw a great movie last week. Garden State really struck a chord with me. It seemed very real and authentic. I just deleted a bunch of commentary about the movie because I don't want to spoil it or taint anyone else's experience. If you get a chance, check this movie out.

My son is a lot of fun. He should be smiling pretty soon. That will be really cool to see when I'm actually making him happy. He gives me a lot of different looks now, and I can only imagine what he is thinking about me. Sometimes he just looks into my eyes and seems to look right through to my soul. Its as if the eyes of God are in his head.